Halloween // A stage play about Halloween. Tell me how you like.

CHARACTERS

OLD MAN: A tall, lanky bespectacled man in his fifties. He wears a devil’s costume.

DIOGENES: Real name; Chris. A dark-haired, fair-skinned young man in his late teens. He is barefoot, wears a hospital gown, and carries a cane plus a goodie bag.

 SETTING 

FRONT PORCH – EVENING – HALLOWEEN NIGHT

ACT 1

SCENE 1

The porch, dark and non-descript except for a few jack-o-lanterns and a cut-out skeleton hanging on the door, belongs to a dilapidated-looking house. Enter DIOGENES, alternating between standing on his tiptoes and placing his feet flat on the ground. Offstage, children are laughing and yelling.

DIOGENES (gritting his teeth) Okay, here goes nothing.

He taps on the door with his cane. The door opens almost instantly, startling him slightly. Enter OLD MAN, looking him over with a somewhat confused look.

OLD MAN (speaking with a southern drawl) Can I help you?

DIOGENES (shaking the goody bag) Trick or Treat!

OLD MAN What in the hell?

DIOGENES Uh.. Trick or Treat?

OLD MAN What the devil are you supposed to be, young man?

DIOGENES I am a philosopher, and my name is Chris- (shakes his head violently) -I mean, Diogenes.

 OLD MAN 

What the hell kind of a name is that?

 DIOGENES 

You mean, my name? It’s a Greek name.

 OLD MAN 

Hmm… suits you well, since you DO look Greek...

DIOGENES (grinning) Thanks for the compliment.

OLD MAN You said you were a… philosopher, was it? Well, you don’t look much like a philosopher with your bare feet, cane and… gown. You look more like a runaway patient. The question is, did you run away from the regular hospital or the ‘other’ one? (chuckles)

DIOGENES What’s a philosopher supposed to look like, Sir?

OLD MAN Oh, I don’t know; beard and toga, maybe?

DIOGENES That’s a roman, Sir!

OLD MAN (scoffing) Same thing.

DIOGENES No, not really, Sir. You see, Greeks are from Greece and romans are from Italy.

OLD MAN Whatever. Why do you have a cane? You have problems walking or something?

DIOGENES For us philosophers, it helps on the rough journey through life. Never know what dangers I’ll come across.

OLD MAN So, treat life like an adventure, huh?

DIOGENES Yeah…

OLD MAN I see…

DIOGENES Oh, what did you by the ‘other one’?

OLD MAN Huh? What are you on about, Boy?

DIOGENES A moment ago, we were talking about hospitals. You asked if I ran away from the regular hospital or the ‘other one’.

OLD MAN Oh, yes; I meant, ‘the funny farm.’

DIOGENES Ah, I see.

OLD MAN Say, aren’t you cold? Gets awfully chilly on Halloween night.

DIOGENES (shivering but barely managing to suppress it.) I’m fine.

OLD MAN Balderdash! You look like you’re shivering a bit.

DIOGENES I’m fine! Don’t worry about me. I’ll get used to it.

OLD MAN Okay, okay, fine!

DIOGENES Can I have some candy now?

OLD MAN How old are you?

DIOGENES Seventeen.

OLD MAN Seventeen!? Aren’t you a little old for this type of thing?

DIOGENES I don’t think so, Sir. I’ve seen kids my age do trick-or-treating.

OLD MAN Really? Not in this neighbourhood.

DIOGENES Well, I’ve seen it happen. Even adults do it. Just because something’s for kids doesn’t mean that teens and adults can’t take part too.

OLD MAN (scoffing) Whatever…

DIOGENES I’m telling you! (takes a deep breath) Look, it’s not like an everyday thing or anything. Let me demonstrate a point; trick-or-treating was invented by adults, right?

OLD MAN Yeah…

DIOGENES Cartoons were invented by adults too, right?

OLD MAN Yeah…?

DIOGENES I’m saying that if adults invented those things, then it’s only right that they can take part in them, too. Those things are for fun and as long as no harm’s done, there should be no problem with someone my age doing something like this. You might say the same thing about toys. Adults invent them, kids play with them, and sometimes adults too.

OLD MAN Suppose you have a point there, Boy.

DIOGENES (holding out the goodie bag) Can I have some candy now?

OLD MAN First, tell me something; do your parents know where you are?

DIOGENES My dad’s away, and mom don’t live with us.

OLD MAN Why not? She dead or something?

DIOGENES No; divorced. OLD MAN Well, your dad oughtta keep a closer eye on ya. You’re liable to get yourself into trouble at this time of night, looking how you are. You might cut your feet on something or catch a cold.

DIOGENES I’m fine! I’m fine!

OLD MAN Alright, alright! Let’s talk about that point you made earlier; about trick-or-treating.

DIOGENES Okay…

OLD MAN Now that I think about, maybe you’re right. Adults and teens can go trick-or-treating too.

DIOGENES See? You do agree with me. Now, how about some candy?

OLD MAN Hold on! While I do acknowledge that some adults and teens take part in this festivity, it’s not the same way the little runts out there do it!

DIOGENES Huh?

OLD MAN I’m in my fifties, and here I am, standing at the door handing out candies to all the little runts and immature young whippersnappers like you, all while dressed like a devil. Most adults do the same thing too. Either that, or they’ll have parties where they wear costumes and eat candy, but only within their own circles, like in their house or something. They certainly would NOT go door-to-door demanding candy, especially in the way you’re dressed! Now, that brings me to my third point.

DIOGENES Which is?

OLD MAN Your costume; it’s the weirdest I ever saw. Here you are, dressed like a run-away patient, calling yourself a… philosopher, was it?

DIOGENES Yeah.

OLD MAN Normally, people would dress as pirates, fairies, witches, and ghosts. Your costume…

DIOGENES Weirdest you ever saw?

OLD MAN Yeah. I said that already. So, why the devil are you dressed like that?

DIOGENES I don’t know; couldn’t afford a toga.

OLD MAN Right. So, where’d you get the gown?

DIOGENES A friend gave it to me.

OLD MAN And the cane?

DIOGENES Same thing.

OLD MAN What?

DIOGENES A friend gave it to me!

OLD MAN Oh, I see. And does your friend also walk around, looking like you?

DIOGENES No. She’s dressed like a female wrestler; you know, in a bathing suit and boots.

OLD MAN (smirking) You said, ‘she’. Is she your girlfriend or something?

DIOGENES No. Just a friend.

OLD MAN And where is this friend now?

DIOGENES She’s trick-or-treating, just like me.

OLD MAN Where?

DIOGENES Does it matter?

OLD MAN Well, it’s strange that two friends ain’t doing trick-or-treating together.

DIOGENES She’s in another part of the neighbourhood. We’ve split up; that way, we can cover more ground and get more candy.

OLD MAN Clever way, I must say.

DIOGENES Thanks.

OLD MAN I’m assuming this friend of yours is the same age as you?

DIOGENES Is that important?

OLD MAN Only to you.

DIOGENES Okay, she’s thirteen.

OLD MAN Thirteen!? And how old did you say you were?

DIOGENES Seventeen.

OLD MAN (thoughtfully) Hmm… thirteen and seventeen? Bit of a difference there…

DIOGENES just chuckles. . OLD MAN Tell me; what EXACTLY are you dressed like that for?

DIOGENES (looking down at his feet, dragging one foot along the ground) Well… I’ve always dreamt about doing this sort of thing. Don’t know why; Must be some sort of adventure thing, I guess.

OLD MAN So, you reckoned, ‘Ahhh, what the hell? Let’s do it,’ am I right?

DIOGENES Yeah. My friend and I thought that we should try something new; something that’s never been done before. I don’t know why, but I’ve always been fascinated with hospital gowns-like I’ve said before. My friend, she likes pro wrestling, especially the women’s wrestling. So we agreed that we should try going out like that: with her as a lady wrestler and me in a hospital gown. Pretty original, I think.

OLD MAN I dunno… I think that you and that friend of yours have done watched too much TV, ‘cause that’s where you find that type of thing.

DIOGENES Oh, come on. It’s not like we’re naked or anything!

OLD MAN True, but people may think you’re weird.

DIOGENES Well, the kids aren’t saying anything…

OLD MAN Oh, but they may be looking at you.

DIOGENES Some did, but they didn’t say anything.

OLD MAN They was just tryin’ to be polite; which is good, since you young whippersnappers don’t seem to be that way anymore.

DIOGENES Not all of us.

OLD MAN No, a good number of you! DIOGENES Well, I’m a nice person.

OLD MAN Glad to hear it.

DIOGENES And not all people your age want to spoil our fun, am I right?

OLD MAN (taken aback, and then scowls) No, you’re right; but I’ll never understand your type of ‘fun’. Like rock music, for example. Playing that awful music at all hours of the day. Loud, too. And don’t get me started on those electronic games. Just as soon will rot your brain!

DIOGENES We’re not talking rock music or computer games; we’re talking about me trick-or-treating.

OLD MAN Right, right! So, what’s the cane for?

DIOGENES I told you, to help me for the rough journey through life.

OLD MAN What are you looking for in life?

DIOGENES Virtue and happiness.

OLD MAN Virtue and happiness?

DIOGENES Yes. I may be seventeen, but I do know that there’s more to life than computer games, money, cars, and sex.

OLD MAN You may be right, but I think you can search for ‘virtue and happiness’ without dressing like a weirdo and demanding candy from random strangers in random houses.

DIOGENES But it’s Halloween!

OLD MAN So what? You say there’s more to life than money, cars, sex, and computer games, so act like it, but in a more respectable manner.

DIOGENES Like how?

OLD MAN How? I don’t know: read, donate to charity, meditate or something.

DIOGENES I suppose I could do some of those things.

OLD MAN Okay, then. Now if there’s nothing else…

DIOGENES Wait. About this cane, there’s one other thing I forgot to mention.

OLD MAN Oh, yeah? What?

DIOGENES It helps keep kids away from my candy.

OLD MAN (shaking head in disbelief) Look, keep my point in mind; adults and teens do go trick-or-treating, but in a quite different way, like in having PRIVATE parties and giving away candy. That’s it! Got it now?

DIOGENES Okay, okay, I got it.

OLD MAN Good.

DIOGENES (slapping himself upside the head with his cane) Ah! Another thing I forgot!

OLD MAN (rolling his eyes and folding his arms) What now?

DIOGENES Ancient times!

OLD MAN What?

DIOGENES Ancient times! Philosophers back in Greece used to do this sort of thing all the time.

OLD MAN What? Demand candy from random strangers?

DIOGENES NO! Walking around like I do. There was this one guy, Antisthenes, who used to walk around the streets of Athens barefoot and wearing tattered rags. Living a simple life, he called it.

OLD MAN Well, these ain’t no ancient times, Boy!

DIOGENES It will be… In the future!

OLD MAN Well, I’m livin’ in the here and now! We have to live in ways that are relevant to our time.

DIOGENES You mean virtue and happiness are irrelevant to this time?

OLD MAN No! I mean that we have to seek those things in ways that are acceptable to our time; here, in the 1990’s.

DIOGENES How?

OLD MAN Oh, for God’s sake! I told you, by reading, being a good person, meditating…

DIOGENES All righty, then!

OLD MAN Anything else?

DIOGENES (aggressively shaking the bag) Can I have some candy now? Please?

OLD MAN NO!

DIOGENES Why not?

OLD MAN What!? I already explained my position to you, and still you ain’t getting’ it? How about this; Because I don’t feel like giving you any candy, okay? You want candy, either go to a store or set up your own private party! Now get lost!

He tries to close the door, but DIOGENES blocks it with his cane.

DIOGENES Either you give me some candy, or I’ll make you like me!

OLD MAN WHAT!?

DIOGENES (raising his cane above his head and waving it threateningly) This cane will keep smashing your face unless I get some candy!

OLD MAN Okay, okay, calm down there. I’ll get you some candy. Wait right there.

DIOGENES Thank you.

The OLD MAN disappears into the house, leaving the door slightly ajar. As he does so, the din of noisy children suddenly stops, only to be replaced by chirping crickets.

DIOGENES (looking around nervously) That’s odd. What happened to all the kids?

The door opens again, revealing the old man, with one arm behind his back. He’s smiling at DIOGENES.

OLD MAN Hello. I’m back, and I’ve got something for you.

DIOGENES (shaking the bag aggressively) Gimme! Gimme!

OLD MAN (beckoning) Come closer.

DIOGENES leans closer. In a flash, the OLD MAN grabs him by the back of his neck and covers his face with a handkerchief. DIOGENES’ cries are muffled as he flails his arms about and drops his cane, as well as his goodie bag.

OLD MAN Relax, you young, greedy hoodlum. Just breathe in the chloroform and go to sleep.

DIOGENES’ body goes limp and the OLD MAN lets him slump to the floor, unconscious.

OLD MAN Oh, you dropped your cane. (picks up the cane) Might as well take it as a souvenir. (drags him inside with one hand) Let’s get you inside; out of the cold, because this is gonna be your last Halloween on this here earth, if ya know what I mean. But first, you and I are gonna have some ‘fun’. That’ll teach ya to mess with a real-life devil! (laughs devilishly as smoke rises out of the ground, engulfing both him and Diogenes.)

[BLACKOUT]